Trust

I am completely out of control of my life. Becoming okay with this fact is one of the most difficult struggles that I have faced. And the struggle is not over.

As a kid I was called a control freak. Unfortunately, I believe that this label is true of me and so many others out there. There are phases in life where it is easy to say that I depend on God and trust Him. However, when I say I am trusting God it is often because I am lacking a plan, hoping that God would reveal something to me, and deep inside I am frantically trying to figure it out. It wasn’t until recently that I have been placed in a position where I am completely out of plans and have no idea where to begin when it comes to taking the first step in fabricating one.

Until now every major phase in my life has had a clear finish line up ahead. If I could just suffer through middle school, high school would be better. If I could just finish high school and get out of my hometown, I could have a fresh start at college. But when I graduate… I have no short term end point to reach that can console me in case I screw up and make the wrong choice.

The future can be a terrifying thing if you let it. As a kid I had planned out my life pretty well. I took great comfort in the fact that no matter how many times my plans got messed up, my long-term goals/plans would still eventually work out. After all, God loves me and wants me to be happy, right? And of course, my plans I so carefully created are the only thing that can make me happy, right? (NOTE: This is what we English speakers like to call sarcasm.)

To try to keep this brief let me just say that those long-term goals and plans are now in the short-term range, and God is showing me that perhaps those were meant to be pulled apart, too. I have never had to live each day in complete dependence on God, and as a result I feel like I never actually learned what it means to trust.

This is not a post to say I now have it all figured out, but one to say I don’t. This is me saying that I am so anxious to know what I’ll be doing or where I’ll be going when I finish school, but I am going to stop trying to seek opportunities that direct my life back towards my plan. With white-clenched fists I am slowly handing the story of my life back to the Lord.

Take this as my Psalm 31. Pray for me as I seek to find contentment in the Lord and learn to truly trust him one day at a time.

Even as I type those words I feel uneasy at the thought of not knowing what tomorrow may hold. So basically I really need prayer, y’all.

Identity

Lots of thoughts on identity have been floating around in my head lately. I am pretty terrible at inwardly processing things, so this is my effort to sort it out and make sense of it all. :)

Yes, I just made this graphic of me dreaming
about being a zebra. Don't judge.
Disney says my dreams will come true.

In high school I remember being asked on a weekly basis what I want to be when I grow up or what I want to study in college. I hated those questions. When I was four I wanted to be a zebra. Then when my kindergarten teacher told me that wasn't possible I decided I would be a teacher so that I could in turn crush the innocent dreams of other children. I thought I would teach until I spent too much time helping friends with homework in high school and decided I would probably strangle a few too many children beyond what is ethical if I taught for a living. So I was left at square one. And I've spent a long time trying to find that elusive second square. (If anyone knows where the phrase "square one" comes from, please enlighten me. haha)

People are often defined by what they are good at. However, that has caused me a lot of confusion. I was "good" at almost everything school related. So my math teachers told me I should pursue math, english teachers pushed for english, science for science, french for french, etc. This was an absolutely dreadful situation for my people-pleasing personality. I learned rather quickly that others cannot define what I am to be or to do because if I have no clue what's going on in my head, they probably don't either.

People are also defined by the labels they fall under. I hate labels. A lot. Well, actually I hate the stereotypes that labels bring. I have tried to find my identity under the labels that I fall under. And by "find my identity" I mean that I look at what those labels mean and feel like I should fit them and I feel pressured to change my life into what I am not. Being in the COBACS department at SBU brings immense pressure to find an internship in your major and get as much experience as you can in your field. All this is good, but it seems like whenever I tried to push myself into that mold God pulled me right back out.

I think (if I may continue to extend this probably totally incorrect usage of this phrase) I have now landed on square two. My square two was realizing that I am not defined by what I can do or what I should do. We are all defined by so much more. The more I try things in life it becomes clearer to me what I love doing and what I am passionate about. I love to serve. I love people, design, volunteering, sharing stories of how awesome my God is, and watching light bulbs flip on above people's heads when they experience a new culture for the first time. My identity stems from this. God has created each of us with unique passions and desires and He calls us to use them for his glory. I think this is part of what it means to find your identity in Christ. 

What I do in life does not change who I am. I do what I do in life because of who I am.

So... which one of these
is square one? No wonder
life gets so confusing. lol

And sometimes I need a little nudge to be reminded of who I am. So thanks to the dear friends this week who intentionally or unintentionally reminded me of who I am and encouraged me in that. I am seriously so blessed beyond measure by the people God has placed in my life.

I haven't the slightest clue where I'll be in a few years, but I know I'll be doing what I'm most passionate about because I certainly can't live without serving my Lord and Savior. :)