Waiting

I have about 95 days until I say goodbye to the United States for a while. Ninety-five days until I leave everything and everyone familiar to meh.

Patience is really bad for my sanity, but really good for growth.

Waiting has caused me to do a lot of thinking. Thinking has made me feel like I am a failure because my fellow graduates from last spring have "real jobs" while I'm just hanging around preparing to live off support from others. Thinking has caused me to struggle with feelings of self-doubt and fear about what the coming year will bring. I'm living in Bolivar for only a few short months before I leave again, and my instinct is to try not to get too connected to everything because then it won't hurt as much when I have to leave... then I feel useless and worthless and confused.

Somewhere along the way I finally realized I'm an idiot.

The devil has been playing with my mind basically always, and God has been slapping me in the face with wonderful things a whole lot lately. Throwing 100% of myself into everything is just what I do. My time is filled up with things that I love, but my sadness that all this is temporary has stopped me from really enjoying it.

Praise God for all that he has placed in my life without me fully realizing what was happening. Every day I get woken up by the precious little voices of the kids in the house I live in. I get to play games and pretend I'm 6 again while I soak up so much wisdom from those around me each day. I have connected with more "townies" in the past two weeks than I ever did in the four years I attended SBU. I've met prayer warriors and encouragers and people more than willing to invite me into their homes. I get to reconnect with friends, turn old acquaintances into new friends, and continue to build my circle of support before I venture off on my own.

In a nutshell before I leave the Father is filling me up in the way that He knows is best for me - by letting me continually pour out 100% of myself into everything I do and love on the kids and people I interact with each day. The support I have received in return is overwhelming.

All this to say I much appreciate your prayers and support. Right now I need prayer for patience and strength to fight the feelings of self-doubt.

Thanks, team, you're the best.